Lessons from a childhood i didn’t choose

I grew up in a world where love was conditional, trust was a gamble and survival was the only goal. My mother was a drug addict, a manipulator, a liar, and a thief. My father was absent, an alcoholic who was never there to see the damage unfold. While they chased their addictions, my siblings and I were left to fend for ourselves, often in situations no child should ever have to face.

If not for my grandmother, I don’t know where I’d be. She was my safe place and the only real love I knew outside of my siblings. She did what she could to shield us from the chaos, but addiction is a storm that destroys more than just the addict. She fought for us until she couldn’t fight anymore. In the end, it was my mother’s choices, the pain she inflicted, and the heartache she caused that drained the last of my grandmother’s strength. Then she was gone.

Losing her was like losing the last piece of stability in my life. I was left with the harsh reality of what I had endured. The weight of it all, poverty, betrayal, danger and loss, pressed down on me in ways I still don’t fully understand. I had learned things I never wanted to know; how to spot a lie before it was spoken, how to hide pain behind a smile and how to protect myself when no one else would. But, I also learned things that I didn’t know I needed; the importance of resilience, the strength that comes from enduring, and the unshakable belief that I would not become what I came from.

There are days I still question how life could be so painful, so unfair. But, I’ve also learned that pain does not have to be the end of the story. Support is important and support is out there, even when it feels impossible to find. I carry my past with me but it does not define me. I define me. I choose to move forward, to break the cycle and to build a life that is mine. My life will not be dictated by mistakes of those who came before me.

For anyone who has walked a similar path, know this, you are not alone. Your past does not determine your worth and no matter how heavy the burden, there is always a way forward.